Why do you sell edited versions of your books?

Well, I’ll tell you: its a great story. Well, it’s a story. …Just listen.

Through the course of writing the books, I often found myself being hounded by my mother to let her read one. I refused, of course. She insisted; I again, thinking only of her best interest, refused. Still, a third time she came, and proclaimed that she would not be satisfied without reading one of the stories. Well, I’m not a much of a man, but I’m also not a monster. So naturally I allowed her to satisfy her need to read some of my stories. I handed her a usb drive which contained rough, word processor documents of some of my unfinished short stories, and smiled and she began to read the first page, knowing that I had finally done something good in the world: I gave them to her for no other reason than to make her happy… or at least to shut her up, which to me seems like basically the same thing. So, my mother sat with a word document on her laptop, and I was aglow with…whatever emotion it is that normally makes people aglow; I'm not a psychologist, you figure it out.

She began to read.

And before I knew it, she dropped promptly dead on the spot. The doctors said she was killed by “horrified shock.” (Which, now that I think about it, isn’t a real diagnosis. Maybe that guy wasn’t a real doctor?) Her last words to me were: “your profanity has killed my, my least favorite son!”

Naturally, I took that to heart. I couldn’t afford to hurt anyone else in so brutal a manner, just as I could not afford to cut myself off from a potentially lucrative fan base. So I offer both the original versions in their full, foul-mouthed glory, as well as a PG-13 version - in which all serious curse words have been replaced with an inoffensive *** symbol. Now no one need fear being accidentally murdered by the prolific nature of my literary obscenity.

…Also, on a private note…I mean, "my least favorite son?” Seems a bit rude, doesn’t it? Besides which, I’m her only son. So how the *** does that work?

How do I join the Newsletter?

I don’t believe you actually asked that question. It’s literally on the footer of every page; also, it’s got its own link on the header.

But I’m here now, can’t you just tell me?

Ugh. Fine. Fill out the form on THIS PAGE and I’ll get back to you about it within 24 hours…unless you signed up between the 2020 and 2022, when I didn’t know what I was or was not doing, or even how to NOT do it. Then it took me a couple of years to get back to you. But those wrinkles are all ironed out by now, so why did I even bring it up?

What is the Review Team, and how can I be a part of it?

It’s another way to get a free book, and simultaneously help our Sword of Vathir Community grow by reviewing that book. CLICK HERE for more info.

Thanks. I’ll check it out. …What’s a Sword of Vathir Community?

It’s a thing that doesn’t exist in the real world, but is useful for marketing purposes. You know, like Santa Clause or True Love.

I saw Something about a Pre-Release Team. What’s that all about?

The Pre-Release Team are members of the Newsletter who want to further help the SOV Community by helping to prep upcoming releases. Join up and get more info HERE.

Why can’t I purchase all of your books through your website?

Some of the novels and collections I have released as Kindle Unlimited exclusives, which is a great deal for anyone who signs up for the Kindle Unlimited subscription service. You pay a single monthly fee, and then all of their Kindle Unlimited books are available for free.

But I wanted to give my money directly to you! Why are you making me funnel it through a fiscal intermediary?

Don’t worry, I still get paid based off the number of pages you read. Which means the more you like my work, and the more you read of it, the more I might actually get paid! Also…what does fiscal intermediary mean?

I don’t know, you’re the writer. You figure it out. But that is a significant load off of my mind, to know that I can still purchase some of your products from this very website. My greatest concern was making sure that you get my money, you know?

Yes, yes I do.

Wait, hang on…you said they were on Kindle Unlimited. Are you saying that I have to sign up for another damned subscription service to read those fing books?**

Nope! You can still purchase each book individually, but due to my contract with Amazon, I am not allowed to sell any Kindle Unlimited releases on my own website. They are the exclusive distributor for those specific titles, so you’ll need to buy them there. You can purchase the Kindle exclusive titles separately, if you so choose, but they are also offered for free with every Kindle Unlimited subscription.

Great, so now I have to go to Amazon and search their limitless, never-ending database and hope to just come across one of your piddling little books?

Wrong again! Simply click on the link included on this website, on each book’s individual page, and you’ll be conveniently directed to that book’s exact Amazon page.

Hey, that is convenient!

I know; technology, right? What else you got for me?

Uh…So, who do you plan of voting for in the upcoming election?

First of all, that’s private. Second of all, that is most certainly not a “Frequently Asked Question.” Third of all…I always write in a vote for the deceased Mao Tse Tung. Because that way it’s sure to not infuriate any of my neighbors! No one gets mad at a yard sign for a dead man! There’s nothing more politically neutral that a rotting corpse…

But fourth of all, If you don’t want to know anything else pertinent to the website, I’ve got other stuff that I need to not finish…

### No, wait! I do have a real question.

Yes?

**…If you could be born in any period of time, when would it be?

** Okay, thanks for your time.

…Obviously I would want to be born ten seconds earlier than I was and then live my life exactly the same, with the single exception that I would know enough to warn myself against having this conversation with you.

…Either that or 1930 so that, 70 years later, I could say things like: “You know, 7UP tasted better when they were still putting lithium in it.” And, “Did you know that Coke-a-Cola got its name because they put actual cocaine into it?” And, “man, this cocaine sure hits a lot harder without all of that soda watering it down.”

Really? That seems dumb. I would rather-

-Look, I already said I don’t have time for this. I’m just going to take off; but feel free to keep on rambling here for as long as you want. Be my guest.

…Okay! So like I said, I would rather be born in the Jurassic Park period! Cause then I could walk around and see all the dinosaurs, like the pterodactyl, the stegosaurus, the triceratops, and the…the one with all the teeth, and the tiny arms. What was it called again? Oh, that’s right: Gilbert Gottfried! My teacher said that The Gottfried-osaurus was the most feared predator of its time, and its distinctive roar - equal parts anger and flehm - was a signal to all non-apex predators to make themselves scarce. Cause he didn’t care who he had to eat, so long as he got to eat something. Oh wait, no! I’d go back and watch the American Revolution, so I could come back and fact-check Lin Manuel-Miranda. People would be like, “Hamilton’s the best!” And then I could be all, “bruh, don’t even start. He doesn’t even mention how Benedict Arnold opened the first Waffle House.” Or something like that; I haven’t gone back yet, so I don’t know for sure that Benedict Arnold started Waffle House, but he probably did. No wait, he liked eggs, right?

Hey, are you still there?

…

*ing Wanker.**